Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Just a Quick Note

I have been trying for almost 45 minutes to blog, and it has not been working. I have written two different posts describing, in great detail, my frame of mind. Alas, India is not interested in my frame of mind, because each time I have hit the publish button to post, the power has gone out. I am now giving up. Having written about my frame of mind twice, I am now no longer in the frame of mind to write about my frame of mind.

I left Chittor for the last time yesterday, and tomorrow I go off to Mumbai for Pallavi's wedding and a last little jaunt before I go back to Jaipur and then back home. Just pray that I can handle these last two weeks, because I am having such a hard time thinking about my re-entry into the U.S. and all the new responsibilities and stuff that I have been able to completely forget about while here. Anyways, bye for now.

Just a Girl

I was listening to my No Doubt CD the other day, and this song struck me as particularly appropriate for my situation in India. With being a foreign woman here in a patriarchal society that is male dominated in every aspect, this song is a very real expression of my everyday life.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand

'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights
Oh... I've had it up to here!

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things
I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl,
I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night
I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes
I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh... I've had it up to here!
Oh... am I making myself clear?

I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!

I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to
Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh... I've had it up to!
Oh... I've had it up to!
Oh... I've had it up to here.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Who's on First

A (fictional) dialogue between the President of the United States George W. Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was dead and from the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Air Conditioning!

The heat is now blaring, and I have sought refuge in one of the very few places in Chittor that has air conditioning: The Internet Cafe'. The heat is starting to get really bad here. I usually walk home at about 4:00 p.m. from Prayas which seems to be a little after the high heat time of the day. The walk home is not too bad for me, it is noticeably hot and uncomfortable and I find myself thinking about cold MN/WI winters to try and refocus my attention on cooler thoughts. By far the most discouraging part of the experience, though, is when I arrive home. I breathe a sigh of relief because the house is much cooler than the heat outside, and walk to the back room where I stay to glance at the temperature reading on my travel clock. Without fail, every day this past week it has been one degree higher than the day before. Yesterday it was 97 degrees in the house. That's right people, 97! But there is no humidity, just dusty desert winds, so it doesn't seem too bad all the time. I know that when I get home everything will seem so cool (maybe even COLD by comparison).

So, yesterday I had a minor freakout about my graduation from MN. There is so much red tape; sometimes it seems impossible that anyone ever leaves that place! I have found that you always have the easiest time by avoiding the bureaucracy as much as possible and finishing everything on time. Unfortunately, I have had a few minor freakouts this semester about various things related to graduation. None of them would have been a big deal if I wasn't a half a world away and completely unable to do anything about it. Leah has been a godsend, I can't imagine how much time she has spent on the phone to Minnesota on my behalf, as my POA, during any of my freakouts. So, anyway, yesterday I noticed that some of my coursework was missing on my progress audit. It turns out that the audit doesn't work correctly for my particular major, so no worries.

I was surprised by my response though. When the thought that I might not be able to graduate this semester was running through my mind, I realized just how much I am ready to be done being an undergraduate. Especially after being here for a year, I don't think I would handle going back to MN to finish classes with all the others; it would try my patience to an extreme level. I would probably find myself screaming about all that we are losing out on by sitting in a classroom when the world and its real issues are swirling by around us.

Anyway, only 2 more days at Prayas and I am done! It's a crazy thought that is just now becoming more real to me. Thinking about leaving here, maybe for good, is very sad. I am however extremely excited to be home and not be here anymore. Woohoo!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Eating Out

In the New York Times today there is a very interesting article about dining out and cooking in India (there have been quite a few articles in the Times lately about India/South Asia). I think it plays on gender roles as well as serving as an example of how things are changing generationally in India.

This is particularly funny because the whole Sharma clan and I went out to eat last night as part of a "going away" thing for me. Dr. Sharma is always talking about how he doesn't like to go out because he finds the food to be bad and thinks its a waste of money. Usually, Piyush, Kavita and the kids go and leave the other Dr. Sharma and his wife at home, so having the whole group go out to eat was very special. In my conversations with Kavita I know she enjoys going out for a few reasons: 1) it is one of the very small ways she leaves the house without having to run an errand or do a chore, 2) it means she doesn't have to cook dinner and as much as she likes to cook everyone needs a break once in a while, and 3) it gives her a reason to dress up and feel special, and in a way escape the in-laws for a night and enjoy her husband and kids on her own.

Anyway, read the article!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Anjali, Pallavi and I

 
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Holi!

 
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The Last Month

It has been a long time since my last post. As I have been watching April fly by me, rather than stopping to write about what is going on I just wanted to keep going so that I would reach the end sooner. Now, the end is practically here. It's Wednesday and on Monday I leave Prayas and Chittor and head up to Jaipur. Then the last two weeks will be running around different parts of the country. I am going to attend Pallavi's wedding in Mumbai, and then I come back to Jaipur for my last few days of classes, and on the 7th I leave for the airport. It is all going so fast!

Prayas this month has been so much more interesting thanks to a few new girls from MSID. I wrote a little about them earlier. Lisa is from Madison, Roberta is from Penn State, and Samantha is an old friend from Hindi class at the U. All three of them have found their way to the middle of nowhere to enjoy my last month with me. Soon after they arrived they were hustled off to various Prayas field locations, but I have gotten a lot of chances to see each of them. We played a delayed Holi out in Devgarh a few weeks ago, and they got stuck in Chittor for a while because of a miscommunication with a bus. Actually, Lisa and Roberta's adventures together are HILARIOUS! They always seem to have interesting things happening when they are together. The other nice thing about these girls being here is that Lisa is from Madison. Since I have never lived there, the number of people who I know in that city are limited to a handful (my Mom's pastor, my cousin, any number of various friends of both my sister and mom) so to make a friend who will live where I will and may be able to introduce me to the area is fabulous.

My host family is getting very sad that I am leaving. Everyday they always ask if I will forget them when I leave. Their last student didn't even send them a card when she left last year, so I can understand why they are nervous. Kavita seems especially sad. As a housewife in India she has very rare opportunities to leave the house and mingle with women her own age. Her life is basically just the family in Chittor, which is too bad. She is very young (only 30) and has two terrifying children and a whole home to manage when she should be able to go out gossiping with her girlfriends. So to have me in the house for six months as someone to talk to and share with was, I am sure, very comforting. I am of the age where I can talk to her as a peer, like a girlfriend. She told me the other night that I am like a sister to her, and that she likes my "homely nature" (which I think refers to how much time I spend at their house) and is sad that I am leaving. She even bought me a going away present. My feet are often a topic of conversation because I wear two toe rings (like married Indian women) and an anklet on each leg (cheap tourist stuff I got from Goa that are not real silver). Anyway, I was telling Kavita one day that I was thinking of getting real silver anklets before I go home. A few days later Kavita called me into her room, and she had bought two silver anklets and two toe rings for me as a going away present.

I feel terrible about all that is going on with them because I AM sad to be leaving all of them and everyone who has been a part of my life here for 6 months, but it is hard not to jump for joy that I am leaving and escaping this life for my home in America. I feel that, my family especially, doesn't see how hard it will be to leave them for me because I am practically giddy at the thought of living in America again.

Although it does scare me a little. I have been here for so long that I am afraid I have forgotten how to live in America! It may seem silly, but I have adapted so much of my life to live here that the prospect of going home now seems overwhelming. I have been away for most of my responsibilities for a year, not having to pay monthly bills or go to school or a job. Plus, just 7 days after I get back is my graduation, my family is moving to a new house with my aunt, I will be recovering from my year abroad in a new city without my friends. For a few days I was very nervous that I would have an emotional breakdown when I get home, but that actually happened two days ago (although it may still happen again when I get back). I got an email that broke the last delicate thread that had been holding everything together for me, and I just lost it in the middle of Prayas. Anjali was in the office and she held me as I bawled and bawled about so many things. All of my worries about finding a job when I get back, paying back my school loans, moving, leaving India the life I have known for 8 months and going back to America the life that seems like a distant dream far away from my reality. All Anjali kept saying was, "You will go back to your country soon...You have handled this so well...Its hard for me to be in Chittor and I am an Indian..."

Of all the people in my life at the moment, Anjali is the one who understands most how hard it is for me here. She has closely observed the way people stare, gawk and speak to me on the streets here, so when I cry and complain about it she really sympathizes and gets it in a way that not everyone does.

I think you can tell by everything I am saying how close I have gotten to these people who form my life here. To leave them all behind and go back home seems wrong, but it is the way life is. It's so odd to balance two worlds: to be foreigner here to finds friends and home, and to be a stranger here who is away from all of her friends and her home.

On a completely different note, the last 24 hours have been very adventurous here. I have been getting calls from people I don't know on my cell phone for about two weeks now. I thought that it was just people who had my number and thought it was someone else's, and if they spoke to someone who spoke Hindi better than I could the misunderstanding would be cleared up and all would be well. So, yesterday when I got a call I gave the phone to Anjali and apparently it is one man (or a group of men) who does know who they are calling. Anjali said after she got off the phone that they were fooling around with her, trying to be coy and flirty. She just hung up on them, and I thought that was the end of it. Except they kept calling, and phoned over 20 times in an hour! This happened to be Dr. Gupta's lunch hour and I had a feeling that if he answered and yelled at them that it would scare these boys off. It seems to have worked, but Dr. Gupta was so worked up that he called the police station and we filed a report (my first police report ever--and its in India!). So, anyway I got a few more calls last night after I had left the office and I gave the phone to Kavita who talked to them. At one point her eyes got really big and she hung up, I guess they had been saying that they wanted to meet her. When they called back a few minutes later, Dr. Sharma answered the phone and they hung up right away.

So just now, as I was writing this I was interrupted by a police officer coming to the office to speak to me. So I sat down in the main office area with Anjali and the police officer and soon the whole office (about 15-20 people) were standing around us joining in on telling the story. The officer got all the information he needed and left. They are going to print the incident in the paper, I would assume in the police report section but who knows for sure. I think the funniest thing to me, though, is the reaction of the men in the office. Since most of the men who work here don't speak English and my Hindi isn't fabulous, I haven't spoken a lot with them. But I can usually understand conversations and all of them are very upset that someone has been bugging me through the phone. It's so interesting and flattering that they would all be so protective of me when I have such limited communication with all of them.

Having said all of this, I don't want any of you to worry about me or my safety! These people have no idea who I am and only contact me through my phone, and it's really easy to ignore them. I am in no danger, and I would just change my phone number if I weren't leaving in two weeks.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Chittor, Prayas and New Friends

I am back in Chittor now. The last few days here have been really fun for me, which is quite unusual.

On my last day in Delhi I hung out with Anjali and her sister. We had lunch and then, at my insistence, went to see an English movie. I miss movies SOO much! Just standing in the theater, looking at the movie posters and smelling the popcorn made me look forward to going home so much. Anyway, we say The Princess Diaries 2. Not exactly groundbreaking cinema, but it was fun. It is so much fun to watch movies with Anjali. She laughs freely at everything she thinks is funny and its fun to join in with her. It also makes me realize how little I laugh here. There just aren't a lot of occasions to merit laughing when you work in an environment where you see poverty and heartache everyday. Plus, there aren't tons of English speakers around. And even if there were, it's not the same as getting together with other girls your age and laughing about random stuff.

So, Anjali ensured that I caught my bus to Chittor ok, and the next morning when I arrived I was sick. My throat hurt so bad I thought I might have strep or something. When I went home, I crashed and spent the whole day sleeping and resting. I felt much better afterwards, but the past few days my voice has been bad so who knows what's really wrong with me.

The day after I got back I had a surprise. The new MSID students who were working with Prayas had shown up in Chittor, so I went down to the guesthouse to see who they were and how they were. There were three girls, Samantha from U of MN (who was in my Hindi class at home), Lisa from Madison and Roberta from Penn State, and they were all getting sent to the field offices to work in the villages. We chatted about this and that, and traded MSID stories. Tim and Sushmita also happened to be coming through town at this same time, so the whole group of us hung out for two days. We went out to eat and I finally saw the Chittor fort with them. It was so nice to have people to talk to and laugh with. I can't wait to see my friends at home! I have so much to catch up on, so I hope I laugh with them just as much as I did with these girls.

Anyway, I insisted that everyone come and meet my family, and then all wanted to so I didn't have to press too hard. It was so funny, because I didn't give anyone in my family prior notice that some Americans might be coming, and in the small house the group of us took up a lot of space. First I came home with Samantha and Roberta, then Lisa found her way to the house and Tim and Sushmita came last. When the last two finally showed up I was leading them into the house when I saw Kavita lean against Piyush and whisper excitedly, "More Americans!". It was also particularly funny because the group of us were probably the only foreigners in the whole city, and we were all gathered in one home.

So, things have settled down a bit today. It's back to normal at the office for me. It is really starting to get hot here, and so I am becoming extremely tired from just getting around. Usually the most productive part of the day is the afternoon for me, but that is when it's the hottest, so I am getting more and more lazy as time goes by. I really have to create a big push this week though to get all my stuff done. I may just try to work from home for a while too, to see if that helps.

I am counting down the days till I come home! It is pretty close now. I came on September 7th, and I am leaving on May 8th, so I have just about 4 ½ weeks left! I have to tell you, I am really starting to enjoy the shock I see on other foreigner's faces when I tell them how long I have been here. It isn't uncommon (especially when you are traveling by yourself) to strike up conversations with the other travelers. It's usually the where are you going, how long are you here, do you like it type stuff. When they find out I have been here since September and I have a while to go before I leave, they always are shocked. It's just one of the few perks from being here for so long. Anyways, until next time!