last day

There have been more than a few moments in my life where I have felt a little like Rachel from "Friends", and today is one of them. When she finally moves on from her coffee shop job to her first "real" job in fashion, she turns to everyone in the coffee room on her last day and says, "I will never have to serve coffee again!". That’s the way I feel. Today is my last day as a coffee room grunt and even though I have enjoyed the clients and the divine smell of Ancora everyday, I will be happy when I leave this place.

Here's to moving on to bigger and better things!

christmastime

My Christmas was pretty quiet. The whole holiday season was pretty quiet, actually. It's this time of year where I miss singing in choir the most; I loved participating in concerts and singing Christmas songs. I adore Christmas music. This year I walked around the house telling everyone every other day about my memories of standing behind my mom and she played the piano, and I would belt out every Christmas carol in my children's music book. I knew so many Christmas songs as a child that I amazed even my music teacher during a holiday-edition of "Name that Tune" in elementary school. Some of the songs I knew after only an interval, and his jaw dropped to the floor a few times.

Living at home definitely takes away some of the festive feeling of Christmas. Part of what makes this time of year so special is that people all over the world take time out of their lives to go home and hang out with their family. It is definitely not something I cherish as much when I see them everyday. It seems like it's just another Sunday with the fam, except I get presents and a big meal.

The other thing that makes me sad is that I missed out on so much of the arts scene this season. When I was in Minneapolis I would try to catch the Messiah at the St. Paul Cathedral, or go see the Christmas Carol at the Guthrie (I will never see it anywhere else. The Guthrie's is the best!). Madison has none of that stuff. They had the Nutcracker playing at the Overture center downtown, but the timing was bad and I wouldn't really want to sit through a ballet with a bunch of squirmy kindergartners anyway.

On the moving/job front, I think my future roommate in Maryland may have found us a place to live. It sounds perfect, and has great features, and is within walking distance of work, cafe's, restaurants, and a great shopping market where I can get anything I want (or so I'm told). It really is amazing to see how God is pulling this all together, and it's so clear that I should be going there. It's nice to know what His path is for me, I have been wandering so much that to have direction feels so liberating.

baltimore

I got the job! I got the job! Baltimore, here I come.

They called on Monday morning and said they wanted me to work for them. I was (and still am) on a high, cloud nine. Eventually that day, the high wore off and I began to worry about logistics. They want me to start on the 4th, and while I am very excited, I worry about all the work that will go into moving. I need a place to live, a phone.

Anyway, on Tuesday I got an email from a girl who works at the organization who said that she needed a roommate. I am ecstatic! She is from the Baltimore area, and has been looking for places for us to live. It is such a blessing to have things working out the way they are.

It has been a very long time since I have felt so directly affected by God's hand. I'm a planner, always have been. But this experience, and many others I have had over the past few months, have shown me that I don't need a plan, because He has one. Even though I have been extremely restless here, with my job and my life and my questioning if grad school was the right track, I have always had peace that I was supposed to wait it out. And I have, and this comes along.

Maybe we have times of stillness in our lives so that it is drastically evident when God intervenes. It is so clear and obvious to me that this is the direction I should be going, and I know that largely because of the aimless way I have been living my life the past 6 months.

Yay!

happenings

Sorry I couldn’t write more info sooner, but this week flew by so quickly.

The most exciting thing going on with me right now is that I have a potential job opportunity in Baltimore. I had a first interview on Monday with some people from the Disaster Response department. It went pretty well, and I was happy with what they wanted to know from me. They requested a writing sample from me, and when I emailed it to them they responded by saying they wanted a second interview.

That took place this morning. The two people who interviewed me were very nice and I felt they asked good questions of me. I responded to them as truthfully, honestly and articulately as I could, and I feel that I did the best I can do. It has placed both hope and anxiety in my heart, and I don’t know what I should feel about it all. I want to get this job, I want to move out east, and I know that it would be a wonderful place for me to start working. Right now it's just about hope and prayer. Especially because the transition would happen pretty quickly and I could be out there in two or three weeks.

In other news, I finished my Berkeley application last night. I have been so distracted with what has been going on with this job that I have not been able to concentrate on my essays. I did them as best as I could considering what else has been going on with my life, and we’ll see what they say.

I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know what God is trying to do in my life. The more I think about getting this job and leaving, the more I feel like the timing is really perfect for me. Spending the holidays with my family and then moving out there would be a great way to start the year. I would not have to waste money on grad school applications if I get the job now. I don’t know where God’s plan lies, but I hope that it is in Baltimore.

interview

Ok, everybody. Please send prayers and positive thoughts to me over the weekend. I have a job interview on Monday morning, and lets hope what is supposed to happen, happens.

my crazed existence

I have no idea what God is trying to teach me, or where He is trying to point me to.

I underperformed on the GRE. It was not a good result, and I am not happy with my scores. I've registered to take the test over again, and I am not excited about it. I received some more of my recommendations in the mail today, and my Hindi teacher wrote a really encouraging note for me that made me feel (AGAIN) like I really want to go to grad school.

But then, there is this other thing. I have a job interview Monday morning with a development organization in Baltimore. Its a big deal, and would be a great experience. If I get the job, I feel like it is what I am supposed to do. There is no way I can stay in Wisconsin and KNOW that there was a job for me in the field I want to work in that I turned down. It would make my already fairly miserable existence here barely survivable.

I don't know what to think about it all, and I am fairly apathetic about it. I have been feeling more and more lately like I am just along for the ride, and that I am not steering my life at all. This is probably a good thing, because I have been trying to let go of my pre-conceived ideas about what I want my life to be, and what I want to do. I have always had expectations, and I need to learn to let them go. I need to remember that it is not my life, and that God has a purpose and a plan for me that I have not been clued into. And I shouldn't be...because how would I learn to trust Him if I knew what the next step would be.

This is one of the reasons that I have felt lately that if I get this job in Baltimore I would take it. Because this is happening in God's timing, not mine; and it scares me.

The GRE is My Life

So, I take the GRE on Wednesday. It current is the all consuming event in my life. I have been taking practice test after practice test at coffeehouses all over Madison. I just want it to be over! Its one of those painful requirements that probably won't end up meaning to much since I don't think I am going to perform well enough for it to really help me. I just keep praying and praying that God will give me the wisdom and focus to do well.

I have had a few really focused days of studying, so that is a great thing. And I have had the opportunity to check out lots of different coffeehouses in the past few weeks. Anyway, I hope to be having some fun on Wednesday in some form, either to cheer me up cause I bombed or to celebrate that it's all over.

AND I have this weekend to look forward to. After an absence of 6 months, Minneapolis will be graced with my presence this weekend. Leah, Mom and I are heading up for a Steven Curtis Chapman/Mercy Me Christmas concert. Yay! I am so happy I'll be seeing so many people I love this weekend. Plus, there is so much fun Christmas stuff in MN.

Wish me luck on my test!

Upcoming

So, evidently frolicking in the snow is not a good idea when you are not used to the cold weather. I was supposed to go to Minneapolis this past weekend, see some friends, lift my heart a little. Instead, I ended up at home trying to prevent myself from becoming more sick than I already was. As of now, I still have the sniffles, but my head-cold seems to be going away. I guess my body is not going to take the winter well, it adjusted too nicely to India.

In other news, the GRE is in just 9 days. I am very nervous, not just about the test but about what it means for my applications and my future. I know, its just a test, and I have absolute faith that whatever school God wants me in is where I will be. I just hope that its not Madison.

For so long I thought my future was going to be in this city. I looked forward to living here after I got back from India, going to school here and being with my family. But now I see I need more independence from that. My family is great, but I think that we all operate best if we don't see each other everyday, all the time. And I don't like that I am so close to Point, and that I seemingly could run into anyone from high school at any moment that I would be on State St.

It's just hard to be here, and every moment that I AM here I remember why I left this state and went to school in Minnesota! Here's hoping for grad school...

it's snowing!

Yay! My joy cannot be compared! I may seem like a complete dork because I am so excited about a little snow, but you must remember that I haven't seen snow for over a year.

So, here I am frolicking in the white stuff.

Frolicking

 
 

everybody's getting married!

So, I went to the opera on Sunday (to see Tosca, which was good but not great) and ran into two guys I went to high school with. One of them is getting married, which is great. I got home, checked my email and I found out ANOTHER one of my friends from high school is getting married next month when a girl I knew from youth group in high school is ALSO getting married.

Yesterday, I called a friend and Minneapolis and she told me one of our friends there is close to getting engaged. Then, I was on myspace looking at a friends page, and he had pictures of him and his adorable wife up from their honeymoon. WIFE! It seems like such an adult word for someone who is 22!

Combine this with all the marriage/relationship news that I have been hearing updates on since I came back from India, and its just all overwhelming. Its seems crazy to me, but then again maybe that's because I am a tad jealous. Who doesn't want to have that great of a relationship in their life, where you can look at a person and KNOW that you want them to be there with you every step of the way. It's a great deal, and I am happy so many people that I love and care about are on their way to the altar. I just wish my turn was coming soon too...

Song of the Day: How about me? -Ella Fitzgerald

Long Time...

It's been a while since I posted, and right now this is more for therapeutic reasons than anything else. Life is tough for me right now, harder than its been for a while. I have everything to look forward to, but I am legitimately scared that my dreams won't come true and that I will be a failure to myself. What's worse is that I fear that these fears are truly crippling me, and instead of having hard times make me stronger that it will break me and I will never be the same.

I know that my life is going to be more than making coffee, and I want it to be that, but I don't know what the next step is, or how to take it. What if grad school doesn't work out? What if I NEVER find a job? What if no one loves me again? What if this is all there will ever be to my life?

Those are the truly scary things, the ones that keep me awake at night.

What am I missing?

Do you ever get the feeling that life is passing you by, and that you are missing out on opportunities that you should have had that would change your life forever?

I Need A Job!

It's getting very close to a crisis situation with money and me. I have been looking and looking, and what started out as a very promising week job-wise is ending as a big disappointment. I had an interview on Monday at The Limited in the mall by my house. I thought I had a really good shot at that job, although it is slightly down on my payscale it was SOME money. But they said I would hear by the end of the week, and they haven't phoned. I would love to say that I am super disappointed, and part of me is. But if I can find something a little more respectable where I can get paid a little more, I would prefer to have that job. I am afraid that the minute I say yes to them something else will work out and then I would have to back out.

I had another interview on Monday for a really fun job. I would pretend to be sick and the UW medical students would ask me questions about what I have and try to diagnose my "illness". I think it would be fun, and it pays $15 an hour which is sweet. They will put me on their list, but the hours aren't regular and they wouldn't call me until August for the first slot anyway, so it isn't immediate money.

I am enjoying the new cable internet we have, trying to catch up on even more pop culture that I have missed in my year abroad. Plus, my computer is getting all these fancy updates now. (It hasn't been connected for two years to the internet, so now I am getting all the software upgrades and stuff.)

So, that's about where I am at. I am socially starved, however. I only know one person outside of the people in my house, and she is my very busy cousin who has a life of her own. We have been able to get together a few times, and had a lot of fun, but with me not having a job OR friends sometimes I am pulling my hair out wanting to leave the house but having nowhere to go. It will all take time, and even though I am starting to feel the money crunch I still have a very casual attitude towards becoming employed. I think I am still adjusting, which shouldn't be so much of a shock since I have been back 6 weeks from 8 months of an intense experience. I'll just have to take my time.

INTERNET!

Ahah! We have internet now! Finally, we have cable internet at the house. No more dial-up, no more asking permission from Leah. We have wireless throughout the whole house. However, I don't have a wireless card so I currently have to connect by cable. But who cares? We have internet!

Better Late Than Never

I am back online, finally. Our cable internet isn't hooked up yet and we are using AOL prepaid minutes on my sister's computer for now.

When I came home from India, everything was uprooted. I was only in Madison for 3 days and then I headed off to Minneapolis for graduation, which was absolutely insane since I had been home less than a week. I came back from the Cities only to help my family move from our cramped little two bedroom apartment on the eastside to the 4 bedroom house on the westside that my family is sharing with my aunt. And then, I promptly spent two weeks sitting on my butt. Last week, the first lazy week, I wanted to do nothing simply because I hadn't done that since I had gotten back from my India adventure, and I told myself that this week I would get a job.

Well, that didn't exactly pan out, and although I do seem to have some employment options, I am really worried at what my prospects will be considering I have no real work experience and I am not exactly out to start a career at this point. I am just hoping to find something that isn't too boring which will bring in some income while I try to figure out how grad school is gonna work. I think part of me feels like I will be going back to India sometime soon, which is pretty outrageous. But I am so aimless here, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to cope if I could easily identify myself with a role or something. Anyway, more later.

I'm Back

That's right, I'm home. I am in MN at the moment, trying to finish up all my last minute business and such. Most of my friends have finals until Saturday, so it is limiting the amount of time I get to spend with them. Hopefully I will be able to stay for a while after finals week so we will really have time to chat.

Being home has not been as weird as I expected. Everything seems new (as I knew it would) but it isn't surreal or strange. Some things are hard. After looking at nothing but emaciated bodies for 8 months I am kind of awed at how fleshy Americans are. The food portions at restaurants are HUGE and overwhelming. And I am amazed that I can go from morning to night without having to wash crud out from beneath my fingernails and having to clean my filthy feet.

It is hard, though, being in an environment where no one will really understand. When people ask me about India, alot of them really want to know about it, but they will never really understand. There is no way that I could describe it enough to have people in my shoes, but maybe that is ok.

I don't know that I miss it too much right now. I miss my friends there, for sure, but what I miss most is a purpose. While I was there I had a clearly defined role and now that I am home and graduating I now have no real purpose or goal; I am floating. Which is fine, but it is strange because I have never been in a situation like this before, without a job or school to define me.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and well and in the country.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

In our first closing session, Rima opened up discussion about how our perceptions of this country have changed from when we first got here. She wanted us to think back to September, when we arrived, which is something I haven’t thought about for a long time. I started thinking about my time in India as a whole, the timeline and the significant experiences that I had.

When I first arrived and we were going to the hotel from the airport, I remember looking out the window into the slight haze created by the nighttime pollution of the colorful Tata trucks and seeing people sleeping, everywhere. On charpoys, on the ground, on the sidewalks, on mats, on the ground. Even at night, the poverty was extremely evident. It was the first time I realized in all of my study of South Asia I had come to idealize life in India, airbrushing over the realities of poverty and struggle.

A few days after we got into India, after being holed up in the hotel for a few days and not leaving, we begged Surjit to let us go out and see a little of the city. So, the whole group of us piled into a small bus and went off into the city right at the time of rush hour. There were people everywhere, on motorcycles, in buses. The traffic was absolutely crazy and everyone everywhere was on the move. As I stared out the window I wondered how I would ever cope in this country at all, let alone handle 8 months in a situation where I would have to negotiate travel on my own.

Looking back at the classroom phase (September-November), I remember it as being a bundle of travel and school and new cultural experiences. In this phase, I still remember being aware of India as a foreign country. I still felt like a foreigner here, partly because everyday I spent time with the other students and we all shared our feelings about what we were seeing and learning.

When I left for Chittor, I was very apprehensive. I was hesitant to leave Jaipur and all that I knew that I was crossing a bridge, from being handled and taken care of by people in Jaipur to being on my own and dealing with living in an environment where I will be the only person who looks like me. I had no idea just how difficult it would be to be the only foreign woman living in Chittor, but I did know that as we drove away from Jaipur I was really beginning my experience in India. And it was true.

My first few days in Chittor were really frightening and overwhelming. I was trying to find my place at a new internship in a foreign country while trying to feel out my co-workers and my host family. My senses were overtaken by all that I was experiencing, and my first few weeks flew by in a rush leaving me excited to return and find answers to all of the things I still didn’t know.

Christine’s and my vacation over winter break was also another step of independence. We were navigating a part of the country that was totally new to us, and I learned a lot about how to be a traveler. All of my other foreign excursions were very much controlled by the adults in charge with the two straight rows of American teenagers behind them. This was the first time that I really discovered what it was like to completely navigate a country by yourself, to talk about India and all that you are experiencing with other foreigners. We met so many people who all were traveling for different reasons who we interacted with for one moment and then parted ways. Like the German guy we shared a rickshaw with in Ernakulam, or the German couple we shared a taxi with to Palolem, the American couple from Seattle who were taking a year out of their lives to travel the world before changing careers. We exchanged info about our lives and travel experiences, but soon afterwards parted ways.

I remember returning to Chittor and staring at the calendar that proclaimed “JANUARY” in huge letters, almost mocking me as I counted the months until “MAY”, when I would go home. It seemed like it would never come. That month, and February, were the hardest. May seemed so far away, it seemed that I would be stuck in Chittor forever and that I would never be home. It was only punctuated with my lack of direction at Prayas and my seemingly aimless purpose in India altogether. There were days, when I would walk up to the office, where I would question why I was in India at all.

Then March came, and suddenly everything seemed easier. Most of the month was spent away from Chittor, which helped since I was on the move. Vacation just breezed by, and before I knew it, it was April. And there were new MSID students at Prayas to keep me company. Sure, I didn’t see them all the time but when I did, it made the time go faster. PLUS now I was the seasoned Prayas expert who could impart her wisdom on the new freshies, which is always fun.

And now, I leave in two days. It is so crazy. In addition to desperately trying to finish all of the work I have left I am also running around Jaipur like a mad woman trying to do all of my errands before the appointed time of departure. It is so hard and complicated to wrap up your life in a foreign country! Part of me feels like it should fit into some sort of neat box, but there is no way you can ever do that with India. Things are complicated even more because in addition to having this incredible experience I need time to recover from, I am graduating in 10 days! So now, in addition to trying to deal with all the feelings, turns, emotions, strains, heartaches, financial issues, and so on that my year abroad has given me, it is now my job to look into the blank abyss of my future and try to figure out how to fill it.

My year abroad has changed my career ambitions numerous times over. When I came here, I fully expected to work at some point in the State Department. I no longer have any desire to work for our government (for various reasons NONE of them being the man who is the President at the moment…that’s a different issue). I went from graduate of sociology, to WI political machine, to lobbyist, to lawyer, to where I am now. A huge question mark. I know what I want to do; I just have no idea how to go about it. I know things I want to help with, but where do you start?

What I do know is that I have found it impossible after seeing women’s issues in India and hearing more about the issues of other countries, that I wouldn’t dedicate at least a portion of my life to improving women’s status in the world. I don’t see how I could do anything else. I have spent 6 months with an NGO here that is fighting for a woman’s right to say no to forced sex with her husband, to be an active participant in deciding when to have children instead of being a victim to unwanted pregnancies and unwanted children. I have heard stories of women who have had such harsh and hard lives, simply because they are not male and are seen as an extension of property. And then there are the other stories; of female genital mutilation in Africa, of women who are kidnapped in Kyrgyzstan and then forced to marry their kidnappers, of women in Kuwait who, just yesterday, had the men in their country decide that they will not amend the constitution to allow women to vote. When you hear of these stories and you think of all that I have been given simply as a woman born in a different country under different circumstances, it is impossible for me to think of doing anything except helping them as much as possible.

Some may see this as a “Western superiority” mindset, but I would disagree. I don’t want to give charity and pity to people to help them, but I want to enable them to help themselves as much as possible. I have seen first hand the generation of educated Indians who see problems in the social structure of their society and are working for the change, and I want to be in on the process somehow. I just need to find what that path is, or where it is, or what it looks like.

This may seem very idealistic, and I am afraid my friends will scoff at the thought. But, I am idealistic. That’s me. My idealistic nature has not disappeared yet, and part of me hopes it never does. Idealism and optimism are linked with me.

Anjali and Pallavi

 
 

Fabulous Mumbai

I’m now in Jaipur, back from a whirlwind experience in Mumbai. Pallavi’s wedding was such a wonderful way to end my time here. It was a great location (Mumbai) with great people (her family plus Anjali, Lisa, Roberta, and Samantha) and tons of fun. In Indian weddings, the family all sleeps in the same room at night on the floor, they just crash for the night wherever they happen to fall asleep at whatever time they fall asleep. Pallavi was nice enough to let us stay with her family, and since hotels in Mumbai are extremely expensive and all of us are at a money crunch we readily took free housing. Unfortunately it led to some crazy sleepless nights and noise at all hours. The family stays up extremely late, while I had been absolutely exhausted since leaving Chittor a few days earlier. All the travel overnight on trains meant that I really needed some good sleep, but I never really rested for the whole three days we were in Mumbai. Everyone makes noise and laughs, children cry, adults play games. It seems that Indians have an ability to sleep anywhere under any circumstances because in a situation where it was impossible for me to fall asleep regardless of how exhausted I was, people were knocked out left and right.

I had been to Mumbai before, but the other American girls hadn’t, so I spent some time being the leader and showing them around. Mumbai is a great city, and it is one of the only places people don’t care that you are a foreigner; they just care if you are in their way. Sometimes it seems impossible that one billion people live in India, but in Mumbai it seemed that the whole of the country’s population reside there. There were faces EVERYWHERE. It was overwhelming especially because I don’t remember that many people being there the first time I came.

Pallavi’s wedding was a very posh affair, but subdued. This particular marriage was a love match, so there was no arrangement and things seemed to be a little more relaxed. There weren’t a lot of over-expressions of wealth; it was worn subtlety in different ways. The venue was nice, but not over the top; but the sari’s women were wearing were by far the most expensive of all that I have seen women wear in India in one place. There were two nights of ceremony that we attended. The first night was the “tikka” ceremony and a wedding singer/dance occurred. The experience felt a little like The Wedding Singer meets Bend it Like Beckham. We American girls had a grand time dressed in our saris sipping unlimited watermelon juice out of fancy cocktail glasses. Lisa said it was like “Sex and the City Does Mumbai” and she assigned us all personalities; Samantha was Samantha, Roberta was Miranda, Lisa was Carrie and I was Charlotte (which I think would make anyone who knows me laugh because it IS pretty accurate to my personality).

The second night was the official wedding. On both occasions Pallavi looked incredible. Gorgeous. I am used to seeing Pallavi when she works, no makeup, no jewelry, in jeans or casual salwar suit; extremely low maintenance. But here she was, gussied up to the nines looking breathtaking. She looked like a completely different person, but they when she spoke or smiled I saw the Pallavi I was more accustomed to. The lenghas she wore for her ceremonies were beautiful, the jewelry was exquisite; I thought it was incredible.

Most of the time a person attends an Indian wedding, people come to eat, have a picture with the bride and groom, and then leave. The actual ceremony usually takes place at an “auspicious” hour in the middle of the night. This was an occasion where they did the ceremony early in the evening, which was great because we watched Pallavi go from bride to wife. I had only seen the actual ceremony once, in Agra last October, even though I have been to a handful of weddings, so I was happy to see it again. The vows take place in Sanskrit/Hindi and the pundit speaks very quietly, so all of us had to have interpretations by other people as to what was going on. There was one point, after the sindoor had been placed, that Pallavi started laughing. I asked Anjali what was going on and she said that the pundit had been talking about the traditional roles and duties of a wife (aka the patriarchal stuff) and Pallavi had started giggling, then flat out laughed. Anjali practically fell out of her chair. Even though it didn’t surprise either of us that she would laugh in the face of patriarchy, that she would do it at her wedding in front of her husband’s family WAS surprising. But, that was Pallavi. At one point her sister-in-law was trying to give her instructions like, “look down, be shy, be coy” but Pallavi snapped at her and stated she would be herself.

The wedding was odd for me because I have known Pallavi for so long, but I will never know her as a married woman. I am leaving now, and who knows whether I will see her again and in what context. Seeing her as a bride was somewhat surreal, but I am extremely happy for her and I hope she enjoys this new part of her life.

As for me, I am in Jaipur now. I arrived last night at about 8 p.m. after spending nearly two days on a bus (28 hours on and off) to get here. I have a little bit of a seminar here, some last minute errands to run and then I am off, back to America. Unbelievable. It is so odd to think that I have been here so long.

When I first came here, I felt like I had to create my life. And I did that; I made my experience in India my life, my host family was my family, my job was my job. And now I have to realize that all of this is in fact NOT my life and that my REAL life, the one I am trying to build by being here, is actually in America. And I am returning to it on Saturday. (I think you can visualize my mother jumping for joy!)

Just a Quick Note

I have been trying for almost 45 minutes to blog, and it has not been working. I have written two different posts describing, in great detail, my frame of mind. Alas, India is not interested in my frame of mind, because each time I have hit the publish button to post, the power has gone out. I am now giving up. Having written about my frame of mind twice, I am now no longer in the frame of mind to write about my frame of mind.

I left Chittor for the last time yesterday, and tomorrow I go off to Mumbai for Pallavi's wedding and a last little jaunt before I go back to Jaipur and then back home. Just pray that I can handle these last two weeks, because I am having such a hard time thinking about my re-entry into the U.S. and all the new responsibilities and stuff that I have been able to completely forget about while here. Anyways, bye for now.

Just a Girl

I was listening to my No Doubt CD the other day, and this song struck me as particularly appropriate for my situation in India. With being a foreign woman here in a patriarchal society that is male dominated in every aspect, this song is a very real expression of my everyday life.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand

'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights
Oh... I've had it up to here!

The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things
I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl,
I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night
I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes
I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh... I've had it up to here!
Oh... am I making myself clear?

I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!

I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to
Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh... I've had it up to!
Oh... I've had it up to!
Oh... I've had it up to here.

Who's on First

A (fictional) dialogue between the President of the United States George W. Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was dead and from the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Air Conditioning!

The heat is now blaring, and I have sought refuge in one of the very few places in Chittor that has air conditioning: The Internet Cafe'. The heat is starting to get really bad here. I usually walk home at about 4:00 p.m. from Prayas which seems to be a little after the high heat time of the day. The walk home is not too bad for me, it is noticeably hot and uncomfortable and I find myself thinking about cold MN/WI winters to try and refocus my attention on cooler thoughts. By far the most discouraging part of the experience, though, is when I arrive home. I breathe a sigh of relief because the house is much cooler than the heat outside, and walk to the back room where I stay to glance at the temperature reading on my travel clock. Without fail, every day this past week it has been one degree higher than the day before. Yesterday it was 97 degrees in the house. That's right people, 97! But there is no humidity, just dusty desert winds, so it doesn't seem too bad all the time. I know that when I get home everything will seem so cool (maybe even COLD by comparison).

So, yesterday I had a minor freakout about my graduation from MN. There is so much red tape; sometimes it seems impossible that anyone ever leaves that place! I have found that you always have the easiest time by avoiding the bureaucracy as much as possible and finishing everything on time. Unfortunately, I have had a few minor freakouts this semester about various things related to graduation. None of them would have been a big deal if I wasn't a half a world away and completely unable to do anything about it. Leah has been a godsend, I can't imagine how much time she has spent on the phone to Minnesota on my behalf, as my POA, during any of my freakouts. So, anyway, yesterday I noticed that some of my coursework was missing on my progress audit. It turns out that the audit doesn't work correctly for my particular major, so no worries.

I was surprised by my response though. When the thought that I might not be able to graduate this semester was running through my mind, I realized just how much I am ready to be done being an undergraduate. Especially after being here for a year, I don't think I would handle going back to MN to finish classes with all the others; it would try my patience to an extreme level. I would probably find myself screaming about all that we are losing out on by sitting in a classroom when the world and its real issues are swirling by around us.

Anyway, only 2 more days at Prayas and I am done! It's a crazy thought that is just now becoming more real to me. Thinking about leaving here, maybe for good, is very sad. I am however extremely excited to be home and not be here anymore. Woohoo!

Eating Out

In the New York Times today there is a very interesting article about dining out and cooking in India (there have been quite a few articles in the Times lately about India/South Asia). I think it plays on gender roles as well as serving as an example of how things are changing generationally in India.

This is particularly funny because the whole Sharma clan and I went out to eat last night as part of a "going away" thing for me. Dr. Sharma is always talking about how he doesn't like to go out because he finds the food to be bad and thinks its a waste of money. Usually, Piyush, Kavita and the kids go and leave the other Dr. Sharma and his wife at home, so having the whole group go out to eat was very special. In my conversations with Kavita I know she enjoys going out for a few reasons: 1) it is one of the very small ways she leaves the house without having to run an errand or do a chore, 2) it means she doesn't have to cook dinner and as much as she likes to cook everyone needs a break once in a while, and 3) it gives her a reason to dress up and feel special, and in a way escape the in-laws for a night and enjoy her husband and kids on her own.

Anyway, read the article!

Anjali, Pallavi and I

 
 

Holi!

 
 

The Last Month

It has been a long time since my last post. As I have been watching April fly by me, rather than stopping to write about what is going on I just wanted to keep going so that I would reach the end sooner. Now, the end is practically here. It's Wednesday and on Monday I leave Prayas and Chittor and head up to Jaipur. Then the last two weeks will be running around different parts of the country. I am going to attend Pallavi's wedding in Mumbai, and then I come back to Jaipur for my last few days of classes, and on the 7th I leave for the airport. It is all going so fast!

Prayas this month has been so much more interesting thanks to a few new girls from MSID. I wrote a little about them earlier. Lisa is from Madison, Roberta is from Penn State, and Samantha is an old friend from Hindi class at the U. All three of them have found their way to the middle of nowhere to enjoy my last month with me. Soon after they arrived they were hustled off to various Prayas field locations, but I have gotten a lot of chances to see each of them. We played a delayed Holi out in Devgarh a few weeks ago, and they got stuck in Chittor for a while because of a miscommunication with a bus. Actually, Lisa and Roberta's adventures together are HILARIOUS! They always seem to have interesting things happening when they are together. The other nice thing about these girls being here is that Lisa is from Madison. Since I have never lived there, the number of people who I know in that city are limited to a handful (my Mom's pastor, my cousin, any number of various friends of both my sister and mom) so to make a friend who will live where I will and may be able to introduce me to the area is fabulous.

My host family is getting very sad that I am leaving. Everyday they always ask if I will forget them when I leave. Their last student didn't even send them a card when she left last year, so I can understand why they are nervous. Kavita seems especially sad. As a housewife in India she has very rare opportunities to leave the house and mingle with women her own age. Her life is basically just the family in Chittor, which is too bad. She is very young (only 30) and has two terrifying children and a whole home to manage when she should be able to go out gossiping with her girlfriends. So to have me in the house for six months as someone to talk to and share with was, I am sure, very comforting. I am of the age where I can talk to her as a peer, like a girlfriend. She told me the other night that I am like a sister to her, and that she likes my "homely nature" (which I think refers to how much time I spend at their house) and is sad that I am leaving. She even bought me a going away present. My feet are often a topic of conversation because I wear two toe rings (like married Indian women) and an anklet on each leg (cheap tourist stuff I got from Goa that are not real silver). Anyway, I was telling Kavita one day that I was thinking of getting real silver anklets before I go home. A few days later Kavita called me into her room, and she had bought two silver anklets and two toe rings for me as a going away present.

I feel terrible about all that is going on with them because I AM sad to be leaving all of them and everyone who has been a part of my life here for 6 months, but it is hard not to jump for joy that I am leaving and escaping this life for my home in America. I feel that, my family especially, doesn't see how hard it will be to leave them for me because I am practically giddy at the thought of living in America again.

Although it does scare me a little. I have been here for so long that I am afraid I have forgotten how to live in America! It may seem silly, but I have adapted so much of my life to live here that the prospect of going home now seems overwhelming. I have been away for most of my responsibilities for a year, not having to pay monthly bills or go to school or a job. Plus, just 7 days after I get back is my graduation, my family is moving to a new house with my aunt, I will be recovering from my year abroad in a new city without my friends. For a few days I was very nervous that I would have an emotional breakdown when I get home, but that actually happened two days ago (although it may still happen again when I get back). I got an email that broke the last delicate thread that had been holding everything together for me, and I just lost it in the middle of Prayas. Anjali was in the office and she held me as I bawled and bawled about so many things. All of my worries about finding a job when I get back, paying back my school loans, moving, leaving India the life I have known for 8 months and going back to America the life that seems like a distant dream far away from my reality. All Anjali kept saying was, "You will go back to your country soon...You have handled this so well...Its hard for me to be in Chittor and I am an Indian..."

Of all the people in my life at the moment, Anjali is the one who understands most how hard it is for me here. She has closely observed the way people stare, gawk and speak to me on the streets here, so when I cry and complain about it she really sympathizes and gets it in a way that not everyone does.

I think you can tell by everything I am saying how close I have gotten to these people who form my life here. To leave them all behind and go back home seems wrong, but it is the way life is. It's so odd to balance two worlds: to be foreigner here to finds friends and home, and to be a stranger here who is away from all of her friends and her home.

On a completely different note, the last 24 hours have been very adventurous here. I have been getting calls from people I don't know on my cell phone for about two weeks now. I thought that it was just people who had my number and thought it was someone else's, and if they spoke to someone who spoke Hindi better than I could the misunderstanding would be cleared up and all would be well. So, yesterday when I got a call I gave the phone to Anjali and apparently it is one man (or a group of men) who does know who they are calling. Anjali said after she got off the phone that they were fooling around with her, trying to be coy and flirty. She just hung up on them, and I thought that was the end of it. Except they kept calling, and phoned over 20 times in an hour! This happened to be Dr. Gupta's lunch hour and I had a feeling that if he answered and yelled at them that it would scare these boys off. It seems to have worked, but Dr. Gupta was so worked up that he called the police station and we filed a report (my first police report ever--and its in India!). So, anyway I got a few more calls last night after I had left the office and I gave the phone to Kavita who talked to them. At one point her eyes got really big and she hung up, I guess they had been saying that they wanted to meet her. When they called back a few minutes later, Dr. Sharma answered the phone and they hung up right away.

So just now, as I was writing this I was interrupted by a police officer coming to the office to speak to me. So I sat down in the main office area with Anjali and the police officer and soon the whole office (about 15-20 people) were standing around us joining in on telling the story. The officer got all the information he needed and left. They are going to print the incident in the paper, I would assume in the police report section but who knows for sure. I think the funniest thing to me, though, is the reaction of the men in the office. Since most of the men who work here don't speak English and my Hindi isn't fabulous, I haven't spoken a lot with them. But I can usually understand conversations and all of them are very upset that someone has been bugging me through the phone. It's so interesting and flattering that they would all be so protective of me when I have such limited communication with all of them.

Having said all of this, I don't want any of you to worry about me or my safety! These people have no idea who I am and only contact me through my phone, and it's really easy to ignore them. I am in no danger, and I would just change my phone number if I weren't leaving in two weeks.

Chittor, Prayas and New Friends

I am back in Chittor now. The last few days here have been really fun for me, which is quite unusual.

On my last day in Delhi I hung out with Anjali and her sister. We had lunch and then, at my insistence, went to see an English movie. I miss movies SOO much! Just standing in the theater, looking at the movie posters and smelling the popcorn made me look forward to going home so much. Anyway, we say The Princess Diaries 2. Not exactly groundbreaking cinema, but it was fun. It is so much fun to watch movies with Anjali. She laughs freely at everything she thinks is funny and its fun to join in with her. It also makes me realize how little I laugh here. There just aren't a lot of occasions to merit laughing when you work in an environment where you see poverty and heartache everyday. Plus, there aren't tons of English speakers around. And even if there were, it's not the same as getting together with other girls your age and laughing about random stuff.

So, Anjali ensured that I caught my bus to Chittor ok, and the next morning when I arrived I was sick. My throat hurt so bad I thought I might have strep or something. When I went home, I crashed and spent the whole day sleeping and resting. I felt much better afterwards, but the past few days my voice has been bad so who knows what's really wrong with me.

The day after I got back I had a surprise. The new MSID students who were working with Prayas had shown up in Chittor, so I went down to the guesthouse to see who they were and how they were. There were three girls, Samantha from U of MN (who was in my Hindi class at home), Lisa from Madison and Roberta from Penn State, and they were all getting sent to the field offices to work in the villages. We chatted about this and that, and traded MSID stories. Tim and Sushmita also happened to be coming through town at this same time, so the whole group of us hung out for two days. We went out to eat and I finally saw the Chittor fort with them. It was so nice to have people to talk to and laugh with. I can't wait to see my friends at home! I have so much to catch up on, so I hope I laugh with them just as much as I did with these girls.

Anyway, I insisted that everyone come and meet my family, and then all wanted to so I didn't have to press too hard. It was so funny, because I didn't give anyone in my family prior notice that some Americans might be coming, and in the small house the group of us took up a lot of space. First I came home with Samantha and Roberta, then Lisa found her way to the house and Tim and Sushmita came last. When the last two finally showed up I was leading them into the house when I saw Kavita lean against Piyush and whisper excitedly, "More Americans!". It was also particularly funny because the group of us were probably the only foreigners in the whole city, and we were all gathered in one home.

So, things have settled down a bit today. It's back to normal at the office for me. It is really starting to get hot here, and so I am becoming extremely tired from just getting around. Usually the most productive part of the day is the afternoon for me, but that is when it's the hottest, so I am getting more and more lazy as time goes by. I really have to create a big push this week though to get all my stuff done. I may just try to work from home for a while too, to see if that helps.

I am counting down the days till I come home! It is pretty close now. I came on September 7th, and I am leaving on May 8th, so I have just about 4 ½ weeks left! I have to tell you, I am really starting to enjoy the shock I see on other foreigner's faces when I tell them how long I have been here. It isn't uncommon (especially when you are traveling by yourself) to strike up conversations with the other travelers. It's usually the where are you going, how long are you here, do you like it type stuff. When they find out I have been here since September and I have a while to go before I leave, they always are shocked. It's just one of the few perks from being here for so long. Anyways, until next time!

An Interesting Day

I have spent the day bumming around Delhi. Its been getting pretty hot in the sun here, so walking around to different tourist sites can be exhausting very quickly. My first stop was Raj Ghat, where a memorial is set up at the spot where Mahatma Gandhi's cremation occurred. It was very somber, and the steady stream of Indians visiting the site reminded me yet again of what a beloved person he is by the Indian public. To see the way he is respected and revered, now over 50 years since his death is very touching. In a way, he is the "Founding Father" of modern India, but he is treated with a much more profound respect than we treat George Washington or Thomas Jefferson with.

Next, I made my way to the Jami Masjid, a Muslim mosque where you can climb one of the minarets (prayer towers) to have a brilliant view of Delhi. That was my primary reason for going, plus it seemed like a cheap thing to do since I am getting into crunch time with my budget now. Well, it was just my luck that I arrived at the time they were closing for noontime prayers, so I had to wait outside for a 1/2 hour before I was allowed in. Thankfully, women aren't allowed in the mosque at that time either and many of them were all to happy to let me wait with them. When I was finally allowed inside, I wandered around for a bit and then made my way to the spot where I could buy a ticket to go up into the tower. I was a tad perturbed to find that I couldn't go up by myself (for safety reasons) so I waited until two Dutch girls came by also wanting to walk up. So we went back to the counter only to find that we still couldn't go up because we needed a man with us. To walk up to the top of the tower. Which was not down some shady alley but standing proudly right in front of us.

Well, we were not in a position to argue so the three of us just decided to wait until some man with his family came along and we figured we would attach ourselves to them. When this finally did happen, we were no yet again and it was explained to us that we needed a FOREIGN man to accompany us. There were none in sight and I was getting VERY irritated with this whole arrangement. The guy at the ticket stand made a big deal about saying "Hindu-Muslim can go together, just not Indian and Foreign", like he was being very generous and open minded about the whole affair. The three of us sat down and started talking about the injustice of it all when, Duh-Duh-Duh-Da!, a FOREIGN man came up to the counter and agreed to be our escort. AND to top it all off, after all of the problems in getting into the tower in the first place, it wasn't that great of an excursion anyway. The view was nice, but the space at the top was so small that you didn't really have time to enjoy it, just snap a few pictures and go back down where you came from.

I have had a lot of difficulties being in India because I was a woman, but none of them had been so blatantly discriminatory as this policy. I mean, for crying out loud I am in India, in Delhi, all by myself. I have handled far harder challenges in my life since I have been here on my own than walking up a stupid freaking tower. If they are questioning my ability to do that, imagine the other things I do on my own that would just astonish them. Not to mention the fact that they were insisting it was for my safety. What safety? I have just as much of a likelihood of getting hassled in the streets as I do getting hassled in the tower. It is just so ridiculous. This major incident is added to all the minor ways in which my femininity and womanhood has been questioned in this country. There have been numerous other small things that are requested of me and happen to me that ever so subtly undermine my status. Things like when I was checking into my hotel in Delhi, the man registering me needed to know the name and address of my father. Or earlier when I would be with one of the MSID guys or another foreign man, and the Indians in the room would ask questions about me to them in English and not ask me directly. That has even happened with Dr. Sharma in Chittor, where Indian men will ask questions to him about me in English while I sit there thinking, "Hello! I have a mouth. I have a brain. Ask me!"

I definitely think this trip is turning me more into a feminist than I ever was before. But maybe that is simply because we, as women in the U.S., really really do have so much more freedom in the world than so many others do. Despite the worries and arguments and more radical feminist statements about the different ways the America and its politics is out to undermine our rights, we have so much more than so many others. My time in India has also convinced me more that it is our duty as women to work to ensure that everyone would have equal rights in all the countries in the world. Who else will fight for them if women don't create an international unified front to say that all of these things are unacceptable?

I have so enjoyed interacting with the women I meet here and using my poor Hindi to communicate with them. This will be a very politically incorrect thing to say, but I imagine that when I ignore the men around me and focus solely on the women, that it gives them a little more legitimacy than they had before. To have this person come all the way from the U.S. to speak with women, I can imagine it would surprise some.

Speaking with women here and watching them with their children, you see how similar the human condition really is. When you boil down to it, I want to have children and raise a family just as much as the women here do. I really feel there is a universality in the experience of women all over the world. And that is an amazing thing to discover.

A Few News Tidbits

While I have some time here on the internet I thought I would tell you about a few news items that have come up over and over while I have been in India.

#1- A Pakistani actress named Meera has been fined by the government of Pakistan because she kissed a man (an Indian)in a Bollywood movie. The country claims that she is a cultural ambassador to India and as such should not behave in such a lewd manner. This is a transcript of an interview she did regarding the controversy. First of all, the idea of a government officially fining anyone for such a thing as kissing seems so ridiculous, but then I also think: if this had been a man, would it have been such a big deal? Is the government mad because any Pakistani would kiss anyone in a movie, or is this just yet another way to keep women reigned in and controlled. But all of this is my opinion. This is an interesting article with quotes from Pakistani women on the issue.

#2- The Government of Rajasthan is considering passing a law that would make it illegal for people to convert from one religion to another, specifically targeting Christianity. This occurred after some Hindu extremists attacked a group of people who were trying to attend a Christian convention of sorts being held in Kota, which is near Chittorgarh in southeastern Rajasthan. They physically prevented people from entering the conference and assaulted them. This particular group is also aligned with the popular Hindutva movement which claims, essentially, that Hinduism is the only religion of "true Indians" and has in the past caused trouble with Islamic citizens of India. (This is a VERY slanted article from Christianity Today about Hindutva issues.) Part of the reasoning I have heard behind this law is a fear that Christians may be bribing people to convert to Christianity by giving them money or livestock, or possibly manipulating people into conversion who don't understand what they are doing. I find these excuses ludicrous, because, although its possible, I can't imagine anyone bribing someone to convert to Christianity. Additionally, since conversion in Christianity is a soul experience, more than likely people who don't understand what they are doing will not be converted anyway. Tim is a religious studies major at Iowa, and when I was in Jaipur he brought this issue up with me. Apparently he had asked his host mom about it, expecting her to be outraged. But she was calm and told him it was probably for the best. Tim is a guy who takes religious freedom very seriously, and liberally, and we had a good discussion about it.

As for me, I think its sad. I can't imagine a place where people are scared into believing in a religion, simply because being a Christian is the basis for my life, worldview and belief system. If someone forced me to change religions, or didn't give me the liberty to believe in what religion I wanted, it would seriously damage my identity. Religious freedom is one of the most valuable rights (for me) that I believe I have in the United States. Although I don't always agree with the political ramifications of people using religious freedom as a way to advance their political beliefs, it is a very important right. I have numerous friends who believe in different religions, or no religion at all. And their ability, and right, to search and discover for themselves what is correct should be upheld and protected at all costs. To see a government take away that right for people, to shield its citizens from a different idea that may give their life more meaning than before, seems cruel to me. Everyone should have the freedom to believe what they want and create their own identity from it.

Happy Easter Everyone

Its Easter today. I thought about trying to find a church in Delhi, but its so hard to communicate what you are looking for and then to find out service times? Its just too much of a chore. So instead, I thought I would go to the internet cafe'.

Yesterday was the Indian festival Holi. It is a Hindu holiday, although everyone I asked seemed to have no idea what the reason for the holiday was. Anyway, to celebrate Holi people buy colored powder and throw it in the air and on others. So, yesterday as I was walking around Delhi I saw very colorful Indians: purple, pink, green, blue. It was like a rainbow in the street. I made sure to wear old clothes just in case I was attacked by color, but the "Tourist Police" were out in full force to prevent the foreigners from getting colored against their will.

The other part of the day that was so eerie was the lack of people around. In India, there are so many people in the country you are almost always surrounded all the time. But yesterday, there was practically no one around. And it was kind of disturbing to me. The streets were so quiet and deserted. Anyway, just thought I would say Hi and wish everyone a happy holiday!

Delhi, Now

I am in Delhi now. Christine and I went to Varanasi for a few days before this. It was a very nice place with a great vibe. For both of us it was a favorite, although looking back on everything I don't think there are too many places I have been in India that I didn't like.

For the most part, Varanasi was extremely hot. Our hotel room was 90 degrees morning and night. The ghats were an incredible thing to see, and the Ganges was far bigger than I expected it to be. For some reason I imagined it to be this quaint little river that was packed with people 24/7. But the expanse of the river was massive, and it looks like it gets even bigger and higher during the monsoon seasons. The thing that is bad about the river, though, is the pollution. Besides being a place for worship and bathing, it is also where Hindus bury their dead. Along with that waste, the city of Varanasi also pumps sewage into the river. According to the Lonely Planet, the water has so much polluted millions of times over the amount that is considered safe for bathing. The ghats were also very peaceful. For the most part, the area held as much quiet silence as the serene beaches of Goa held.

I have to tell this story. One day, Christine and I went out to Sarnath near Varanasi. This was the site where Buddha achieved enlightenment, and Christine really wanted to see it so, off we went. The temples were nice and the area was really peaceful. Christine heard of a Buddhist monastery nearby and wanted to go, so we hopped in our rickshaw and went off in that general direction. As we were going along the road, we came upon a young (kinda cute) monk. We asked him where the monastery was and then had him hop in with us. So its Christine, Me and this monk bouncing along on these really bad roads. It was so funny, and as soon as it happened I knew I needed to write about it. The monastery was really beautiful, by the way.

On our train out of town we sat next to an Indian couple from Tamil Nadu and three loud Israelis. Actually, it was two quiet Israelis and one really loud, semi-obnoxious one. This guy just seemed to have no respect for Indian people and was loud and rude. He was nice to Christine and I, but that didn't make up for his obnoxiousness. It prompted a conversation later between the two of us about Israelis in general. There are a lot of Israeli young people who come to India. Everyone in Israel must serve two years in the military after high school, and when they get out they are given some seed money for whatever. A lot of them travel with it, and a lot of them come here so we have met ALOT of Israelis. Christine said with the exception of two guys we met in Goa, all the Israelis she has met have been obnoxious to her. I had quite the opposite impression, just because I am amazed that they are so spirited and happy. All that country has ever known their entire lives has been turmoil, and to meet people from there who don't bear a personality burden from the strife I think is remarkable. This led to a conversation on politics between us, and then politics and theology (which I hate discussing with her because I like Christine but when we talk about religion sometimes I want to hit her I get so frustrated!). Christine doesn't believe in the U.S. support of Israel, and I do. She asked me if that was because of my religion, if Christianity played a part in my support. I told her it did, but that was also because my Christianity plays a major part in all of my political decisions. This conversation took place in a rickshaw, and right bout that time we arrived at the Indira Ghandi Museum, so that was where it ended.

SO, Delhi. I like it here. Its nice to be in a city again. Yesterday I had lunch at McDonald's and dinner at TGIFridays. I have become an obnoxious American when I get to cities where I can have American food. Christine has now gone home to Udaipur, and I am here. I think I will be spending tomorrow (Holi--A holiday) with Anjali's family but I'm not sure. For now, its me in Delhi; just hanging out.

Some blogger notes before I go. My friend Brent has a blog (eightstar.blogspot.com) and his latest post is interesting, so I thought you might like to read it. Later!

Stressful Times

I have had a hard day, and its only 11 am. This morning I went to the train station before 8 am so Christine and I could get train tickets to Varanasi for our vacation. We were there yesterday, but there were no tickets available and the attendant at the special "Foreign Tourists and Freedom Fighters" ticket window said that there were special quota tickets available on sale at 8 am. If we wanted to get to Varanasi, this was the only way. We got the tickets to Varanasi fine, but when we were trying to figure out our return trips we got all flustered. We had to run around the train station seeking help and a timetable to figure out how we could get out of Uttar Pradesh. Christine and I finally settled on a train to Delhi that we could take together, and then she will head off to Udaipur on a bus arriving in time to celebrate Holi with her family there.

After the train station, I was starving. I REALLY, REALLY wanted eggs for breakfast, but you have no idea how hard it is to find a non-veg restaurant that sells eggs in India. We were searching and searching, and I was starving. All the cycle and auto drivers wouldn't leave us alone and we were searching. It may not seem like a very stressful time, but it was for me. Anyway, after we ate we came to the internet cafe', so I already feel like I had a long day.

So, Christine is here now. She came in on a bus yesterday morning and she, Tim and I had our Midterm Seminar with Rima. We just basically had to give status presentations and talk about our papers, etc. Christine had some interesting comments about Seva Mandir.

Seva is a big NGO here in India, it has numerous international interns working on various development projects, and receives a great amount of foreign funding to do their work. Apparently, Seva got a significant amount of money from the World Bank to work on a poverty alleviation project. The World Bank wanted to pull a specific number of families up from poverty in--get this--TWO YEARS!!

This got me thinking about the Western perception of poverty. Poverty is created in India by numerous instances. Providing a family funds may help, but when children don't have access to education, when a father can't have a job that provides for his family, when he has to pay all he has saved for months and months to a doctor for care when his child falls unexpectedly ill. All of these things have impacts on the reality of poverty. In America, poverty is largely hidden. People who are struggling to survive paycheck to paycheck still may have a home or a car, but it doesn't mean that they do not have struggles. These are the type of people who may benefit from simple financial backing. They already have an amount of education and an occupation to further them along.

Seva's project has not been successful because the parameters that came with the funds doomed the project. Now, instead of supporting and helping the poorest of the poor, the money is being used to help specific families who do not have such great poverty issues and will be able to produce the types of results that the World Bank wishes to see with their "2 year" poverty alleviation project.

A Good Link

I have wanted to post this for about a week, but somehow it keeps getting delayed. This is an article that appeared in one of the Indian news weeklies. The Oscar winning documentary feature this year, Born Into Brothels, was based in the red-light districts of Kolkata (Calcutta). This is an article that has a different view than maybe you are getting in the U.S. I have not seen the film myself, but I will when I get back. You can read the article here.

Jaipur Vaapas!

Back in Jaipur now. Its so nice to get out and away from Chittor into an environment that is less harsh, although the men in Jaipur don't seem to be as nice as they used to be. I have had some pretty bad episodes while I have been here, and a few times I have gone off the rail and outright yelled at the perpetrators. Who do they think they are, anyway! I can't tell whether they get a high out of harassing women or if they think that yelling crude comments from across the street will actually make me want to sleep with them. HELLO!?! In some way its kind of like the guys prominent in WI/MN who have huge monster trucks or fancy expensive cars that they soup up and they gun the engine at you as you drive by in the hopes that you might find them manly. Once again: HELLO!?!

I had a crazy day yesterday! Mrs. Singh has family visiting from London, so she can't keep me at her house now, which is fine. But she also wanted me to pack up the things I have left there as well, which meant I needed to go emergency suitcase shopping. So, off I went into Raja Park to search for a suitcase. I knew I needed a fairly substantial one, because I still had a bunch of stuff left at her house. I ended up buying one that was big enough to fit several small children inside and headed back to the house to pack it up. Imagine my surprise when I find that it is filling up extremely fast AND it is extremely heavy. This tells me that 1)I cannot go shopping ANYMORE (which is fine because my list was pretty much done anyway) and 2) I desperately need to get rid of some of my stuff before I leave. I was already planning to get rid of nearly all the clothes I came here with because they have been trashed after all this time in India, but this has now become a necessity. I just hope when it comes down to it that my bags aren't too heavy.

I spent today in the MSID office here doing some last minute work for the seminar we will be having soon-all that procrastination is finally catching up with me. But in my defense it is nearly impossible to get any work done in Chittor with Kush and Shubhi attacking me at any moment. Christine will not come to Jaipur until tomorrow morning so at the moment it is just Tim and I. We had a good old time in the office today, and then we went out to lunch.

Being back in Jaipur, especially now that the weather is turning back to the heat it was in before, it is hard not to reminiscence at the way things were here 7 months ago. I still feel like everything is the same, but its not. I have been watching and seeing the development of this city for a few months now, and I have noticed a few changes. For one thing I have noticed that some of the homeless people were gone. There was a string of sideway along the area where Raj Mandir and a coffee shop, Barista, are that was full of people for nearly 6 months and now on returning to Jaipur I can see these people are gone. I am only assuming that the police have moved in an evicted them, and that they now need a new section of sidewalk to live in. The hopeful reason for them to be gone is that they may be migrating for work, but I don't think that is why they are missing.

Its more than just that change, though. The city feels different somehow. It might be because I feel different about it. I am beginning to remember the things I was scared of when I first got here, which was pretty much everything. I remember looking out the window from the bus when we were in Delhi and wondering how I ever would be able to cope with it all! And now, though every day is hard for various reasons for the most part I can handle everything and am fairly self-sufficient. The things that used to shock me don't anymore. I no longer think about how all I see is men all the time. The first time I walked into the train station in Jaipur to buy train tickets and saw the long lines of brown men I practically jumped out of my skin in fear. Now, I don't even think about it and I often go to the train station by myself to purchase tickets for one reason or another. Traffic in India is very loud, full of beeping horns and all types of vehicles trying to get ahead on sometimes limited space. I have forgotten what quiet traffic sounds like. Or what America smells like. The air here, even in clean cities, is often very polluted. And if it isn't the smell of exhaust then its the trash, or cows. What will it be like to breathe clean air? Or not see cows everywhere? I am also very used to traveling on the left side of the road. What will happen when I try to drive for the first time? (Can you tell I miss home?)

My time here has definitely changed me. For so long after I left for college I still felt like a child. It is one of those mysteries-just because you become a legal adult doesn't mean that you feel like one. I always wondered when I would cross the threshold and feel like an adult-and I can definitely say this is how I feel now. In some ways I can't believe that I am ONLY 22. Some days I look in the mirror and I have to remind myself that I am not much, much older than that. Looking at coming home now, I am so excited to be young again! It feels like a rebirth, where I can go home and be silly and do silly things and it will be ok because I am IN FACT just 22 years old.

One of the things my mom and I used to argue over before I left for India was whether Indian women were oppressed or not. I would take the stance that they weren't, and from alot of my reading at the U I felt confident that that was true. But I certainly don't feel that anymore. If I can't come to a country to learn and visit and see what life is like without feeling oppressed myself, I can't imagine what it is like for the women here. I have an escape, this isn't my real life. I can fly home to the clean United State with my suitcases full of souvenirs and march off to Minnesota to graduate from college and look to my future where I can do what I want to do with my life. I have choices, decisions. And my parents, family, and friends believe that I have the ability to make good decisions for my future, even if I am a girl. The women here seem bound to their lives. I am sure most of them find joy in the lives they lead, in their children and families. And while many women in India experience nothing but violence in their lives, many are also very happy.

So, it begs the question. Are Indian women oppressed or are they just oppressed by American standards? Do I feel oppressed here simply because I have more options and choices at home and that is the root of my oppression? Or do I feel this way because it is, in fact, the truth that women are oppressed here?

And what does "oppression" mean anyway? I have never once heard Rima, Anjali or Pallavi use that word to describe women here. These are women who live fairly unconventional lives and they never speak of the situation for women that exists here as "oppression". It is a title the West has used to describe what they see?

There are so many problems here, and it is so sad simply because the solutions should be so easy. People need a place to live, food to eat, safe drinking water, a bathroom. They need jobs and education. But providing these needs proves harder than you may think.

I read an article in the Asia edition of TIME this week that said 8 million people in the world die every year because they can't afford to stay alive. A few pages later, there was an article on the new FORBES top 100 billionaires list, including several Indians-one of whom threw a $55 million wedding for his daughter last year. There are more than 100 billionaires in the world today and yet 8 million people die because they can't afford to eat. What is going on?

Still Learning

Prayas, Prayas. Everyday seems to be a new adventure in boredom, except when Anjali is here. We have had a lot to talk about recently.

First of all, it seems that her parents have found a husband for her. She is 26 or 27 now, and getting up there in age in India to be married. When she was in Delhi over the New Year, she gave her parents permission to search for a husband for her. Anjali is extremely intelligent and cultured, has a Master's degree in Social Work; basically there is no place for her to find ANYONE that would remotely fit the bill in Chittor, so she just told her parents to find someone for her. It seems that now they have. He is a guy about her age who is in the Army in Assam. They have spoken on the phone, and she seems to really like how he seems. He decided he liked her without seeing her picture and told her it didn't matter to him what she looked like, which gave him points in her book.

Even though she knew her parents were looking for her, she still seems blindsided by the whole thing. I would be. She may even get married before the end of April, which seems really in a rush. It is kind of like she is resigned to the fact that she HAS to get married. I have the feeling if it were just up to her she would try to find a job in Delhi, or even Jaipur, and in a more metro place maybe find someone on her own to marry. But Anjali has a younger sister who will need to get married at some point (she is 22ish now) and it won't look good to have an older sister who is unwed when the prospective in-laws come calling.

Anjali claims she is neutral about the whole thing, but I think it may be happening so fast that she can't really comprehend it. She doesn't seem to be excited about it; especially not like Pallavi who practically glows anytime you mention her wedding (although she is marrying someone of her choosing, not an arrangement). I don't know her well enough to exactly catch how she is feeling, and I can't deny that I am very frustrated with the situation. I understand all the cultural reasons why this has to happen, but I just wish it didn't have to. Anjali is by far one of my favorite people here, and I just don't think that this is what she really wants-and that makes me sad.

On a completely different hand, Anjali and I went out for dinner the other night and along with gossiping about this whole husband-to-be issue, she told me that on one of her field visits she got some disturbing news. I guess one of the male Prayas workers from Chittor made advances on some of the female Prayas field workers in the form of suggestive comments and inappropriate touching. He is also a guy who is in charge of some of the finances here, so he "suggested" that there could possibly be problems if she ever spoke up. Even worse than finding out that this was happening was that Anjali was hesitating to tell Dr. Gupta about it. I guess that this particular worker is a favorite of the director of the board, who is Dr. Gupta's best friend, and would challenge him if he ever fired this particular worker. Anjali said she knew that Dr. Gupta would be on her side about this, and would want to know what had happened and what was going on, but she didn't want to put him in a spot.

I was outraged. First of all, this is an organization that at its very core fights for women's empowerment and the right to be safe from unwanted advances of men. And to have someone on staff who directly contradicts those goals AND puts employees in danger is disgusting. Second of all, anyone who behaved that way should be fired and reported to the police for potential criminal action.

But, that was my American mind talking, and I was quickly informed and reminded that this is India. In the U.S., having someone who is a known sexual harasser is a liability. The possible lawsuits you may have to endure as a result of their actions alone requires that they be fired. But that isn't the case here, for multiple reasons. #1-Most people could not afford to pursue legal action against a harasser in this country. #2-The legal case would probably pend for years in the Indian justice system without any result. #3-Unlike in the U.S., where a man faced with these accusations would have to prove they DID NOT happen, in India a woman has to prove that they DID indeed happen, and how do you do that? How does a woman in a country like this do that, when she knows that her family will be labelled and stigmatized by the ensuing scandal? She can't. She would most likely deny that it ever happened and keep her mouth shut, and the society would continue to be male-dominated where they can get away with anything they want and won't be questioned for it.

I was trying to explain to Anjali how a sense of moral right and wrong about sexual harassment exists in America, but the only example I could come up with was a little off the mark. Instead, I told her of the mantra "boys don't hit girls". I said that one of the first lessons you learn when you are little and in elementary school is that boys shouldn't hit girls. The reasons for this aren't obvious when everyone are still children, but little girls learn that boys shouldn't hit them, and boys in turn learn that they could hurt girls if they ever hit them. This then manifests itself and internalizes into society, so that people understand that this type of violence is wrong and parents will continue to tell their children "boys don't hit girls". I know this is an oversimplification of an argument, but it worked in this particular instance.

Anjali, the educated modern woman she is, seemed amazed that people taught their children this in the U.S. Here, girls and women are told that they should expect that they will be beaten by their husbands; that spousal violence is just as much a part of a woman's life as getting a period. You don't know how many times I wish I could sit with these women and have in-depth conversations with them in Hindi about how its illegal in America for a husband to hit his wife, and that everyone agrees that you should not have to put up with domestic violence in your life.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, updating time. What has happened since the last time I wrote? I went to Udaipur, visiting Christine and spending an obscene amount of rupees on presents for me and others. I also, coincidentally, saw the Oscars on T.V. I could make arguments about the juxtaposition of the expensive dresses and ridiculous honors for, of all things, movies while being in a third world country wracked with poverty and malnutrition. But with the frame of mind I was in at the time, it was a relief to connect with some semblance (any semblance, really) of American life.

After the Udaipur stop I went off to Ahmedabad for a Western Regional meeting of the International Women's Health Meeting. That international gala is happening in Delhi in September (on my birthday actually) so I will miss it, but I have been involved with alot of prep for it here, as much as Prayas has done. There were reps from NGO's from four states: Rajasthan, Gujarat, Maharashtra and Goa. It was really interesting to hear about all the different issues in each state. Goa was by far the most interesting, because they have very unique problems. Native Goans actually have fairly good statistics and numbers, but the problems there are mostly tourism related. The sex industry, migration for work, and lack of food availability because of tourism is all a problem. The food thing really got to me. They were talking all about how fresh fruits and seafood are not available to locals because the restaurants can push prices up for tourists. As they said this, I was thinking about the restaurant in Palolem where Christine and I had breakfast every morning, complete with a divine fruit salad.

There was another American at this meeting. Her parents are from Gujarat, and she is there on a Fulbright scholarship. Seema took Christine and I out after the meeting to a coffee shop and bookstore, and then before we left we had dinner at, SUBWAY. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, joining Pizza Hut and McDonald's, Subway now is on the list of American chains I have frequented while in India.

I caught the bus home with the people from Seva Mandir, and then rode from Udaipur to Chittor on my own. In those 3 hours, I began to feel ill. I had been a little off in Ahmedabad, but this was when I began to get sick. Somehow, I got off the bus and home before I completely lost it. I was dizzy and nauseous for no apparent reason, and it was pretty scary for me. I scared my family pretty good, because when I get sick like that I don't eat or drink anything until I know it won't come up again. They asked me if I wanted a doctor, and I said yes. Piyush wasn't home at the time, so Dr. Sharma called a family member/neighbor from down the street. When he came, it became obvious that I would have to balance myself on a bike while they took me. I could barely walk around the room without holding on to the wall for dear life, and told them I couldn't go on a bike. Dr. Sharma went back to the phone and called Prayas while the family member/neighbor went out to buy some fruit for me. A few minutes later, Dr. Gupta (who is a medical doctor) and Anjali came through the door looking very concerned. The neighbor from upstairs came down with her blood pressure machine, and as I was laying in bed I took an inventory of the scene. In my room, while I laid on my bed dizzy and nauseous, was Anjali, Dr. Gupta, Kavita, Dr. Sharma, the neighbor from upstairs, the family member/neighbor from down the street, Kush, Shubhi and one of their friends.

After it became apparent I wasn't dying, Dr. Sharma and Dr. Gupta sat there chatting about politics, and Kavita brought chai for everyone like it was some sort of social occasion! It was the funniest, oddest thing that has happened to me in awhile, and I would have found it more humorous at the time if all my energy hadn't been focused in trying to keep the world from spinning.

Now that I have recovered and March is here, I am finding that my outlook is far rosier than its been for a long time. I am going to Jaipur on Sunday to spend time there, and then Christine and I and maybe Tim are going to Varanasi. Some travel time is just what I need. Then, after that, 3 more weeks at Prayas, a quick jaunt to Mumbai to see Pallavi married, and last minute goodbyes in Jaipur, and I will be back in the states. Part of me can't believe I have survived thus far. It won't be long now...

At International Women's Day

 
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With the Fam

So, yesterday was interesting at the Sharma's. I came home from Prayas way early after I got bored surfing the internet. I figure I can be bored at home with the fam just as easily as I can be bored at the office, so I left.

At some point late in the afternoon I wandered outside where Dr. K.C. Sharma always seems to be sitting and enjoying the sun. He proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions.

One thing you should know: the two questions I am always asked by everyone when they first meet me, without fail, are how many brothers do I have and when my wedding is. Everyone in India has a brother. Most families have as many children and pregnancies as possible to ensure that, so they find it a real shame that I don't have one, only a little sister. The wedding question is always interesting too. I do my part to confuse by wearing a toe-ring on each foot (like a wedding band in America) in an effort to keep creepy Indian men away-it doesn't work very often. My age, 22, is also the age that is considered "prime" for marrying a girl off. So they are always curious, not because they want me to marry into their family, but because a woman's life at my age is all about an upcoming wedding.

So, Dr. Sharma and I were sitting, chatting. He was asking me all sorts of questions about my parents divorce, and the reason for it. It was very confusing to him that people would divorce just because they were unhappy and couldn't live together. There were other complications I didn't even go into with him, because I knew if he didn't understand THAT there is no way he would understand the other stuff. I think he is very concerned for me, because in an Indian context I would be a young girl in trouble if my dad had divorced my mom and remarried, leaving me to live with my mother and sister (and because I had no brother). Despite my best attempts, whenever anyone finds out my parents are divorced, they always assume that the public shames us, which is not true in America.

He is also always very curious about my wedding. Marriages here in India are arranged by parents who choose their children's spouses. He understands the idea that I choose my spouse, not my parents. But I don't think he understands the social process for that choice. Here, when a girl is ready to be married, its just sort of announced through family circles (and sometimes the newspapers in Matrimonial sections that are kinda like personal ads) that she seeking a spouse, and a groom's family just sort of "applies". I think he thinks the same process applies to me, that when I am ready I just sort of "announce" and men will "apply" (sometimes, I think the Indian process is soo much easier). No matter how hard I try, he doesn't seem to understand that I don't know who I will marry (at least, I think I don't know the person I will marry) and that I have to wait for him to come along and show up. And why should he understand this? In India, dating and boyfriends are something that only modern girls in the cities do, not something in rural Rajasthan.

The cost of the wedding was also a topic. In India, the girls family pays for the wedding and often gives dowry. Who pays for a wedding in the U.S.? I told him that in all likelihood I would pay for my wedding, since I am sure I won't be married until I am earning money on my own, and that me and my fiancee' would probably share the cost. This really confused him, that I would pay for my own wedding. After spending 15 minutes explaining this to him, I finally gave up and said that the two families share the cost. Its a much better explanation.

Then, he had alot of concerns about whether the man I pick to marry would be liked by my parents. What if they don't like him? I tried to explain how unlikely that situation would be to occur, because he would know my family far before the marriage question is approached, but he didn't seem to understand that either (the whole courtship/dating thing is so foreign to him, plus a language barrier-English is his second language). After awhile we just took the question as a "what if" and I honestly told him I didn't know what would happen if my parents didn't like the guy I did.

It all makes my head spin, and he probably laughs when he thinks of it. He will never fully understand, just like I can never fully understand India and every single intricacy of family life and marriage here. At this point in the conversation, Shubhi and Kavita came outside. Kavita and Piyush had been going over Shubhi's schoolwork, and when I walked past the living room, Shubhi was in hysterics crying and her parents were being very stern with her. When they came outside, Kavita told me that Shubhi hadn't done her homework for class that day, and the teacher struck her.

This was new for me. Corporal punishment in the U.S. has been outlawed for a very long time, and the idea that a teacher could strike a student with a stick in front of all the other students as many times as she wanted was horrifying, and I am sure that the look on my face gave me away. Then I told Kavita that that was illegal in the U.S. and she was as shocked as I had been about Shubhi's school. She just didn't understand how a teacher could be effective in classroom without being able to strike a child, and I didn't understand how that wasn't considered cruel.

Just another day at the Sharmas.