letting go

Letting go is hard. Essentially, it sucks. I am a control freak; anyone who really knows me knows that about me. If I am in charge of a project, or a task I want to have ultimate control in everything. I have a feeling that if I hand over my job to someone else they will only screw it up.

This explains the predicament I am in at the moment. I want to have control over my life. After all, its mine right? Well, evidently that’s wrong. God has been trying to wrestle my future from my tightly clenched fists since last May, and he is still working on it. When I graduated like most graduates I wasn’t really sure what would come next. I knew that at some point in my life I need to go to grad school, so I thought that would be the most reasonable course to pursue until I figured out whether that was what I really was supposed to do. I always questioned whether that was really what God wanted, but I knew that if it wasn’t His plan confirmation would come in some way and I would end up somewhere else, right where I was supposed to be. My passion to go to grad school is real, but my passion to go to grad school NOW was influenced more by my lack of direction to do anything else than it was explicit confirmation from God.

During that time, I battled with my timeline for my future. I examined what age I would be when, and tried to determine what experiences I should have when, and where they would be. My timeline was getting frustrated by a bad performance on my GRE and lukewarm recommendations from my profs at school, which made me less than a stellar candidate for grad school.

Once I started letting my timeline go, once I began accepting that God is really in control of what is happening with me and that his timeline is better than mine…poof! I got an entry level job on the east coast with an aid agency. It was pretty obvious what He was trying to teach me.

Well, since I moved here my fist has only released ever so slightly. I have forgotten completely my initial surrender to God that got me here, and I have been diligently planning my next steps without focusing on what I have to do NOW to make me happy. Not worrying about tomorrow because there is nothing I can really do about it anyway, that should be how I live right? Well, that’s hard for a planner (which is what I am, I need a plan!).

I guess this is a long story. But letting go sucks. It’s hard!