I haven’t written much recently because it seems that there isn’t a lot going on, nothing particularly remarkable or exciting. That may be because I have a very delicate balance going on between o.k. days and downright awful days. It’s odd and frustrating at the same time. God is trying to teach me something, and its bumming me out. Should it? I have no real idea.
Baltimore is really frustrating me. Once again, I feel like I am in a holding cell, waiting for the next step in my life without really enjoying where I am. That was the way it was when I got back from India, and that is the way it is now. I know that I need office experience at a NGO before I go out into the field again, but every day I get more frustrated with the cream colored walls of my cubicle. Other people are out there, changing the world and I am here hammering out financial coding and getting people’s plane tickets. Not that these are important assistant-like tasks, but I feel like I was made for so much more. My intellectual mind is not being tapped at all, and I find myself explaining my political beliefs to the wall because there is no one else to talk to.
There are a few girls here and there at work that are great, and they are people I can go out to dinner with or see a movie with. But they aren’t people I can really talk to. They don’t necessarily care about the same things as I do, or view their faith in the same way. It’s making me lethargic, and instead of encouraging me to go out and find friends (where would I find them anyway?) it just makes me want to curl up in my apartment with a book or a movie and wait out my time in Baltimore.
But I don’t feel like that is what this is supposed to be like. Everyone else at work seems happy with where they live, the churches they go to, and the life they have. I am the only one who seems to have problems with it, which makes me feel like a spoiled brat who is too stubborn to change (I don’t want to be that person and I desperately hope I am NOT that person!). It’s just frustrating that all the things I love to do, I can’t do here. Baltimore has no significant arts community, only a single coffee house in the whole city open past 9 pm on weekdays (err) and a very bad public transportation system.
I’m just bored, tired, and once again wishing that I could skip the next 6 years of my life and be comfortable in 2012 where I would hopefully have a more fulfilling life in a more fulfilling location.
2 comments:
Hey Leslie, just wanted to leave you a note to brighten your day. I'm the MSID student consultant for India & we did orientation last week. They made this video of pictures & stuff & as we were watching it the guy who coordinates everything was asking me if the new administrator (Rakshat) was there when I was. When I told him Surjit was there he said "oh, I'm sorry!" It was great, someone finally apologized for him being there! In other news, they have 26 people going in the fall, it's insane! Love you tons, good luck working things out in Baltimore.
Hugs, Jen
One of the most practical things to learn in life is to embrace every day. I spend alot of time waiting to get through one stage of my life so I could live the next. Now, when I look back, some of my best memories were years when I felt like I was coasting. Even though your job seems like you're not "doing" anything, you are in an incubator for learning the ins and outs of a relief agency. Someday, when you're running one, you'll need to know all the stuff you're learning now!!
MOM
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