my crazed existence

I have no idea what God is trying to teach me, or where He is trying to point me to.

I underperformed on the GRE. It was not a good result, and I am not happy with my scores. I've registered to take the test over again, and I am not excited about it. I received some more of my recommendations in the mail today, and my Hindi teacher wrote a really encouraging note for me that made me feel (AGAIN) like I really want to go to grad school.

But then, there is this other thing. I have a job interview Monday morning with a development organization in Baltimore. Its a big deal, and would be a great experience. If I get the job, I feel like it is what I am supposed to do. There is no way I can stay in Wisconsin and KNOW that there was a job for me in the field I want to work in that I turned down. It would make my already fairly miserable existence here barely survivable.

I don't know what to think about it all, and I am fairly apathetic about it. I have been feeling more and more lately like I am just along for the ride, and that I am not steering my life at all. This is probably a good thing, because I have been trying to let go of my pre-conceived ideas about what I want my life to be, and what I want to do. I have always had expectations, and I need to learn to let them go. I need to remember that it is not my life, and that God has a purpose and a plan for me that I have not been clued into. And I shouldn't be...because how would I learn to trust Him if I knew what the next step would be.

This is one of the reasons that I have felt lately that if I get this job in Baltimore I would take it. Because this is happening in God's timing, not mine; and it scares me.