Thursday, May 11, 2006

letting go

Letting go is hard. Essentially, it sucks. I am a control freak; anyone who really knows me knows that about me. If I am in charge of a project, or a task I want to have ultimate control in everything. I have a feeling that if I hand over my job to someone else they will only screw it up.

This explains the predicament I am in at the moment. I want to have control over my life. After all, its mine right? Well, evidently that’s wrong. God has been trying to wrestle my future from my tightly clenched fists since last May, and he is still working on it. When I graduated like most graduates I wasn’t really sure what would come next. I knew that at some point in my life I need to go to grad school, so I thought that would be the most reasonable course to pursue until I figured out whether that was what I really was supposed to do. I always questioned whether that was really what God wanted, but I knew that if it wasn’t His plan confirmation would come in some way and I would end up somewhere else, right where I was supposed to be. My passion to go to grad school is real, but my passion to go to grad school NOW was influenced more by my lack of direction to do anything else than it was explicit confirmation from God.

During that time, I battled with my timeline for my future. I examined what age I would be when, and tried to determine what experiences I should have when, and where they would be. My timeline was getting frustrated by a bad performance on my GRE and lukewarm recommendations from my profs at school, which made me less than a stellar candidate for grad school.

Once I started letting my timeline go, once I began accepting that God is really in control of what is happening with me and that his timeline is better than mine…poof! I got an entry level job on the east coast with an aid agency. It was pretty obvious what He was trying to teach me.

Well, since I moved here my fist has only released ever so slightly. I have forgotten completely my initial surrender to God that got me here, and I have been diligently planning my next steps without focusing on what I have to do NOW to make me happy. Not worrying about tomorrow because there is nothing I can really do about it anyway, that should be how I live right? Well, that’s hard for a planner (which is what I am, I need a plan!).

I guess this is a long story. But letting go sucks. It’s hard!

Monday, May 01, 2006

24 hours in d.c.

So, I had a crazy weekend. Really. Sarah, Kirsten and I had been planning for 6 weeks to go to DC on the 29th for a sleep-out called the “Global Night Commute” for children of the Northern Uganda conflict. This event was sponsored by Invisible Children, and others like it happened in different cities all over the country. Well, Friday night we found out that the police were prohibiting people from sleeping in the park. They had the proper permit to gather all night long, but no one would be allowed to sleep. After hearing this, all three of us decided we would go to DC, hang out for a few hours and then go back up to Baltimore and come down the next day for the Darfur rally on the mall. When we arrived at the Commute there were 1,500 people there with sleeping bags ready to sleep and stay all night. The three of us decided we wanted to stay, but we hadn’t brought anything for the night. After some borrowing, we ended up with three blankets and a few granola bars to sustain us throughout the cold night. Kirsten and I cuddled all night to keep warm, and I ended up praying all night long that we wouldn’t be exhausted the next day when we were going to our other rally.

We woke up pretty cold on Sunday morning. Not sure of what to do after the Commute event, Kirsten and I ran back to the cars with the blankets we borrowed off the cuff from Sarah’s sister and ran to Starbucks for much needed coffee. After that, we wandered toward the staging area for the “Save Darfur” rally. We plopped ourselves down front-and-center at 9:30 to wait for the event to start (at 1:30).

The Darfur rally was incredible. There is a great article from the Post about it that I think describes the scene and event well. It was absolutely bizarre to be so close to so many influential people. I kept scanning the VIP crowd and spotting people that I have only seen in pictures like Gayle King, Oprah’s best friend, or Russell Simmons, the record producer, or Chris Rock. Hearing the speeches people gave was incredible as well.

The most moving speech was from Elie Wiesel. He was the first speaker, was brief and eloquent. It is amazing to watch him speak and realize what he lived through. I wondered how he felt as a survivor, standing in front of a huge crowd of people dedicated to stopping this genocide and preventing others.

The best speech was Al Sharpton’s, by far. He is an amazing speaker, and really rallied the crowd. I have never been a huge fan of him, but I have never had any real problems with him either. Sunday he really captured the moment and feelings of his audience and used it to write the best speech of the day.

The most important speech was by far Barack Obama’s. His presence at the rally gave it a political legitimacy that no one else at the event could have given it. The response from the crowd was incredible when he came up. One of the people in the front screamed “Run for President!” which made him smile and laugh a bit into the microphone. It was a great moment, because it seemed to catch him by surprise (which caught me by surprise, because I figured that this was probably in the back of his mind somewhere).

The most honest speech was the one Joey Cheek made. He was the last speaker, and before he approached the podium he looked very nervous. He very honestly talked about what he did (“I’m an ice skater”), and why he gave away his Olympic bonuses to the kids of Darfur. He really made it seem like an everyday thing, to win an Olympic gold medal and instead of basking in the media glory, using that media to talk about Darfur.

The most important presence, though, went to George Clooney. This was blatantly evident by the amount of media on stage when he and his dad spoke about their recent trip to Darfur and Chad. It’s interesting that this gathering of people, with Obama, Sharpton, and others, gives an event legitimacy; but Clooney really brings the media. There were so many incredible speakers, and great personal testimony, that may have been lost as “yet another rally for Africa”. But with Clooney, who hasn’t really taken on social justice issues of this magnitude before, you have the front page of CNN.

What is great about this rally is that it will get people talking about Darfur. Oprah did a special last week to raise awareness about the rally and the issues in Darfur. One of her guests blamed the media, saying that it is not that Americans don’t care about these issues but they don’t know about Darfur because the media doesn’t present it to them. That is true, coverage of Darfur in America has been completely covered by the New York Times, and it rarely hits any of the networks or CNN. But I also think that the media covers what they believe will get their station attention and ratings, and they don’t believe Americans will watch or read about Africa as much as they watch or read about Tom Cruise’s baby.

I think that is true. Reading about what is going on in Darfur will prick your conscience. It will make you uncomfortable, sad and angry that a genocide like this can go on even today. Those feelings will not make you happy, and it will not allow you to continue to live in blissful ignorance of the world. Part of me really believes that people would rather shut off the world and focus and read other things. It is fine to live your life according to your own passions and pursuits, the world would not be a diverse place if that didn’t occur. But I do not believe that anyone should choose to live their lives in ignorance, to ignore the truth about the world around them and to never think critically about their beliefs or their lives.

Another note about the event. I was crammed next to a group of students who were with the student advocacy group S.T.A.N.D from Georgetown. Instead of allowing the event to soak in, to listen with respect to the speakers and marvel at the response of the crowd, they spent the whole time talking on cell phones and being preoccupied with getting their banner on CNN. I could not believe how insensitive they were, bragging about getting quote in the Orlando Sentinel while members of an inter-faith coalition were praying onstage! It reminds you about some of the worst aspects of advocacy.

Advocacy is only effective when you remember the cause that spurs you to action. When being an activist and advocate leads you to worry more about getting the name of your group into the press than drawing attention to the actual cause itself, you are being ineffective and insensitive. I think that student advocacy groups are important, they have been vital to promoting the Darfur issue. But there has to be a line drawn, and those kids crossed it.

Also, in the “it’s a small world” category, I met a few people at the rally from Marinette, Wisconsin who went to high school with my uncle and parents. How bizarre!