Friday, February 25, 2005

With the Fam

So, yesterday was interesting at the Sharma's. I came home from Prayas way early after I got bored surfing the internet. I figure I can be bored at home with the fam just as easily as I can be bored at the office, so I left.

At some point late in the afternoon I wandered outside where Dr. K.C. Sharma always seems to be sitting and enjoying the sun. He proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions.

One thing you should know: the two questions I am always asked by everyone when they first meet me, without fail, are how many brothers do I have and when my wedding is. Everyone in India has a brother. Most families have as many children and pregnancies as possible to ensure that, so they find it a real shame that I don't have one, only a little sister. The wedding question is always interesting too. I do my part to confuse by wearing a toe-ring on each foot (like a wedding band in America) in an effort to keep creepy Indian men away-it doesn't work very often. My age, 22, is also the age that is considered "prime" for marrying a girl off. So they are always curious, not because they want me to marry into their family, but because a woman's life at my age is all about an upcoming wedding.

So, Dr. Sharma and I were sitting, chatting. He was asking me all sorts of questions about my parents divorce, and the reason for it. It was very confusing to him that people would divorce just because they were unhappy and couldn't live together. There were other complications I didn't even go into with him, because I knew if he didn't understand THAT there is no way he would understand the other stuff. I think he is very concerned for me, because in an Indian context I would be a young girl in trouble if my dad had divorced my mom and remarried, leaving me to live with my mother and sister (and because I had no brother). Despite my best attempts, whenever anyone finds out my parents are divorced, they always assume that the public shames us, which is not true in America.

He is also always very curious about my wedding. Marriages here in India are arranged by parents who choose their children's spouses. He understands the idea that I choose my spouse, not my parents. But I don't think he understands the social process for that choice. Here, when a girl is ready to be married, its just sort of announced through family circles (and sometimes the newspapers in Matrimonial sections that are kinda like personal ads) that she seeking a spouse, and a groom's family just sort of "applies". I think he thinks the same process applies to me, that when I am ready I just sort of "announce" and men will "apply" (sometimes, I think the Indian process is soo much easier). No matter how hard I try, he doesn't seem to understand that I don't know who I will marry (at least, I think I don't know the person I will marry) and that I have to wait for him to come along and show up. And why should he understand this? In India, dating and boyfriends are something that only modern girls in the cities do, not something in rural Rajasthan.

The cost of the wedding was also a topic. In India, the girls family pays for the wedding and often gives dowry. Who pays for a wedding in the U.S.? I told him that in all likelihood I would pay for my wedding, since I am sure I won't be married until I am earning money on my own, and that me and my fiancee' would probably share the cost. This really confused him, that I would pay for my own wedding. After spending 15 minutes explaining this to him, I finally gave up and said that the two families share the cost. Its a much better explanation.

Then, he had alot of concerns about whether the man I pick to marry would be liked by my parents. What if they don't like him? I tried to explain how unlikely that situation would be to occur, because he would know my family far before the marriage question is approached, but he didn't seem to understand that either (the whole courtship/dating thing is so foreign to him, plus a language barrier-English is his second language). After awhile we just took the question as a "what if" and I honestly told him I didn't know what would happen if my parents didn't like the guy I did.

It all makes my head spin, and he probably laughs when he thinks of it. He will never fully understand, just like I can never fully understand India and every single intricacy of family life and marriage here. At this point in the conversation, Shubhi and Kavita came outside. Kavita and Piyush had been going over Shubhi's schoolwork, and when I walked past the living room, Shubhi was in hysterics crying and her parents were being very stern with her. When they came outside, Kavita told me that Shubhi hadn't done her homework for class that day, and the teacher struck her.

This was new for me. Corporal punishment in the U.S. has been outlawed for a very long time, and the idea that a teacher could strike a student with a stick in front of all the other students as many times as she wanted was horrifying, and I am sure that the look on my face gave me away. Then I told Kavita that that was illegal in the U.S. and she was as shocked as I had been about Shubhi's school. She just didn't understand how a teacher could be effective in classroom without being able to strike a child, and I didn't understand how that wasn't considered cruel.

Just another day at the Sharmas.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

India Continues

Hello everyone! I know its been almost a month since I wrote last, and I would love to say that it is because I am too busy to write, but that is simply not true. I just haven't been in the mood everytime I sat down at an internet café to write about all that is going on.

This past month I have been doing small village excursions with Prayas, seeing Christine as much as possible in Udaipur, attending a wedding for 5 days with my Chittor family that is easily one of the highlights of my time in India, and going to Jaipur for a brief meeting on women's health status here. It may sound like I have been busy, but the truth is too many of my days do not have enough activity to keep me distracted and happy, and so I end up daydreaming A LOT about home and going home and food at home and family at home and friends at home. It has made this month really hard for me.

Most of the time I spend at the Prayas office involves talking with Pallavi and Anjali, and also reading. I have read soo much while I have been here that I will have a whole new library when I come home full of books I am sure Leah and Mom will want to borrow. Recently, I have received mail-which is exciting both for my family and me. They love getting letters from America delivered to their house and I love getting mail. The real old fashioned kind. The letters have been really encouraging.

On Sunday I got back from spending 4 days in Mungana where there is a Prayas field office. I spent the time zooming around on a motorbike with two other people, the dupatta on my salwar suit flying in the wind. The first day it was fun to see the look on people's faces when I went by. I am sure it's extremely strange to see someone so white and foreign in the villages. But by the second day I had become painfully aware of just how white I am, and the fun wore off and made me feel so much of the exhaustion of being different. I can't wait to come home and be normal, be allowed to be myself. So much of my time here has been spent worrying about EVERYTHING. Trying to avoid advances by men, spending most of my time staring at the ground as I walk around. Before I came here I had a lot of arguments with my mom about how I didn't think Indian women were oppressed, but I don't think those fights will have the same vigour anymore since I feel oppressed here. I long for the liberty to stay out past dark, to have my car and my friends, to be whoever I want to be and have it be ok.

Both men and women here are oppressed in different ways though. Both sexes are confined to the traditional nature of life, and there is just as much pressure on men to retain traditional practices and beliefs as there is on women. In fact, in some ways the male pressure is worse because they are the leaders of the family, they are the ones who are supposed to lead the next generation and teach their sons the same thing. For both men and women to rebel to the traditional system can in some ways be equally difficult.

With my family in Chittor I have seen an interesting combination of tradition and modern thinking. The Grandfather in the joint family told me the other day of his disappointment not to have a daughter (he has two sons-Piyush and his brother). You can see his joy in his special relationship with Shubhi, his granddaughter. He told me once he has a special place in his heart for the girl-child especially since they are so unwanted so much in this society. Even though Kavita is very traditional in her roles and homemaker, it is also due to some necessity. Her mother-in-law is disabled from a motorbike accident and has great difficulty getting around the house. If Kavita wasn't there to cook and clean and help, they would most likely have to employ someone to do that. And even though Kavita cooks and cleans, it doesn’t mean Piyush doesn't make chai or help.

With all of these subtle nuances of modernity, though, they are still very traditional. Kavita is the wife of the oldest son in her family, and so she is often very busy at family functions cooking and helping with various ceremonies. The wedding I attended was very traditional, with all the ceremonies the family should perform done and every T crossed.

It may not seem that they are very forward thinking, but they are. In a world where everyone is strictly bound to cultural ideals and gender roles, this family is progressing ever so slightly. I think, too, that change in India will only come in generations. It will be interesting to see what happens when Shubhi and Kush grow up, and what options are available to them, and what traditions they shun and uphold.